Perspective. It is a topic that has been on my heart a lot lately. It seems as though, as a society, we have lost our desire to seek perspective and with it, gain understanding.
With the invention of the internet, the way that we seek information has changed. Today our newsfeeds are being filled by search engine algorithms that “intelligently” feed us more of what they believe we want to see. Headlines, edited dialogue and video from mainstream as well as “fake” news sources quickly shape and add validation to our already formed opinions on many important topics.
A simple post on social media holds the power to cancel lifelong friendships and to sever family ties, regardless of how intimately you knew each other’s heart, values or intentions prior to said post.
One thing that I can say for sure is that all of us, myself included, have been in situations where we jump to conclusions about a person, a situation or a news article. Like reading a damaging headline, we make an assumption about the subject without ever taking time to uncover all the details contained within.
For the past 6 months, I have made it a habit to purposely compare the headline of an article, with the article itself just to see how closely the two match. What I have found comes as no surprise as quite often the headline was deceptive. Though the headline captured my attention, the article’s content paled in comparison to the captivating hook at the top of the page.
I bring this up because statistics say that anywhere between 60-80% of all people will only read the headline before moving on to the next story. If this is even partially true, can you stop for a minute to consider the damage that this behavior is having on our friendships, families and society?
In grade school we are taught to not judge a book by it’s cover, yet as adults, especially as adults on social media, we are doing just that. We judge each other based on race, color, age, gender, religion and political affiliation, just to name a few. And because there is little to no personal consequences for our anonymous comments on various social media outlets and forums, we have lost our integrity, empathy and respect for one another.
In a recent comment to one of my posts, my good friend Chad provided a well thought out definition of PERSPECTIVE. He stated that “PERSPECTIVE is how your personal experiences shape your personal view of the world around you.” He went on to say that “the reality of your “perspective” can actually be true or false as it can be highly influenced by personal experience and indoctrination be it social, political or religious. Our PERSPECTIVE is the driving force behind all of the decisions that we make.”
In my opinion, Chad hit the nail on the head when he stated that “your perspective can actually be TRUE or FALSE…” The problem is that if you are only surrounding yourself by people or news sources that agree with what you already believe to be true, you can become disillusioned into believing that anyone that sees things differently than you is wrong or possibly even evil.
We’ve become a society so ingrained in our own way of thinking or “expertise”, that we fail to challenge our own perspective to validate its truth. If someone has an opinion different than our own, rather than try to seek understanding and in turn politely sharing our own point of view, we’ve become quick to react and in some extreme cases, “cancel” or “unfriend” otherwise good people.
If we, as a society, want to avoid the catastrophic path on which we are currently traveling, change has to begin with us. I propose that we drop our ego and eliminate our need to be right by seeking out the other person’s perspective prior to snapping to judgment or condemnation. Remember, there are always three sides to the story, yours, theirs and the truth. The key is to continue the dialogue and communication until understanding is achieved.
Though you may not change your stance, nor they theirs, by understanding one another’s perspective we can at least stand on the common ground known as mutual respect.
If you got this far, thanks for reading.
Have a great day!
When I woke up today and got dressed, I found myself wearing a Batman t-shirt. Though I chose the shirt for no particular reason, just seeing the bright yellow logo in the mirror really got me thinking about the caped crusader and what his superpower really was.
After a little research, my curiosity was confirmed. The truth is, he didn’t have one. Unlike Superman who could leap over buildings in a single bound, fly faster than a speeding bullet or use his xray vision to see the unseen, Batman was just a regular, good looking, athletic man with deep financial resources and genius level intelligence.
And although for most of us, possessing even one of those gifts would make us feel like a superhero, when compared to Superman, Batman seemed to have gotten the short end of the stick. I wonder if Batman ever felt the same way.
Usually, when we look at someone else we find it easy to recognize their SUPERPOWERS. And when we do, it can all too often leave us feeling a bit insignificant about our own.
To answer my earlier question, I’m sure that Batman was envious of Superman, after all, who wouldn’t want to fly? But at the end of the day, Batman knew that while he couldn’t fly, he had the ability to serve the world and make a difference in a way that only he could.
How about you? What are your super powers? Are you using them to your fullest extent or do you often find yourself day dreaming about flying?
Have a great day!
PS- If you truly don’t know what your “Super Power” is or maybe you just need to confirm its existence, try asking a few of the people in your life. You can ask questions like:
What skill or trait do I poses that you think makes me special?
If you were me, which of my gifts or talents would you focus on?
Where do you think I poses the greatest potential?
Please be honest, which of my gifts or talents do you think I am letting go to waste? (Don’t get mad if you don’t like the answer)
Is there skill or trait that I poses that makes you envious?
Feel free to create your own questions.
Extra credit: Find a partner and help each other discover your own Super Powers by taking turns at asking and answering the questions above.
It was 1965, “Wooly Bully” was the Billboard 100 song of the year and man had yet to walk on the moon. Though I wasn’t there that day and the world wouldn’t know my name for six more years, I can only image all the conversations and preparations that went into making April 24th of 1965, a day that would change the course of history.
It was on this day that an incredibly handsome young man slicked his hair back, donned a white tuxedo and made his way from the farm, on Messerschmidt Road, to St. Peters church in East Troy, WI to marry the woman he would call his wife for the next 55 years.
I wonder what went through his mind that day as he waited for her at the alter, he was just twenty-two and fresh from the army. Was he nervous, anxious, and scared or was he as calm, cool, and confident? Though it’s hard to know for sure, the one thing I do know is that every picture I have seen of him on that day tells the story of a man who had fallen head over heels in love, with a woman.
I wonder what went through her mind that day as she stood outside the church, waiting to take his hand. In my mind, I assume that she was confident and self-assured as she had known that this day would be her destiny since the very first time she met him when she was only 13.
When the doors opened, the organ played and a church overflowing with love, all turned to witness her arrival. There she was, beautiful, elegant, and as pure as the white, fallen snow (eeheheheem). As she approached him, it became obvious to everyone in the church that day, that this love was eternal.
To this day, I’ve never understood why movies end at “I do”. I understand that falling in love makes a great story but after witnessing my parent’s relationship over the past 49 years of my life, a true love story is just beginning at the moment when two become one. Though I can’t claim to know and I never will be able to fully understand it, being married 55 years takes much more than love. So, with that said…Here is my perspective.
It wasn’t always easy but it was always better than bad. When times got tough it seems to me, that they always remembered what they had. They worked so hard to build a life, my Dad built our house with his hands. My mom took care of us while juggling three jobs until one was good enough to have. They weren’t always perfect but I know they did their best, to make my sister and I comfortable, even when we put them to the test.
My Mom spent many nights alone as my Dad worked through the night. I thought we won the lottery when they finally got his schedule right. Our dogs and cats were more than just friends, they were the glue that held them together when there were thoughts about an end.
They never gave up on each other, even when it would have been easy to do, it seems that they always had a little more love to give, to help them see it through. There were trips to the badlands of Sturgis, California, Georgia, the Grand Ole Opry too, and each time they went away, they would return stuck like glue.
With all this said, what I think of most, is how she never leaves his side. Though it has taken so much sacrifice, to her, he is her life. They truly love without condition, a feat not many can say or do. Thank you both for being such an incredible example, happy fifty-fifth to you.
I love you-
What’s the point? That was the question I continued to ask myself. What is the point in waking up at 4:30 every day to write a blog post that very few people read? Honestly, as I sit here this morning in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, I still don’t have the answer. All I know is that I woke up this morning at 3:13 am and as I lied awake in bed I kept hearing a little voice inside my head say “wake up, work out, and go write something.”
I wish I could say that I always listen to that little voice but the truth is, I don’t. In fact, most often, I find myself ignoring it altogether.
I am glad to say that this morning was different. Though it took me over 90 minutes to realize that I was done sleeping and actually put my feet on the ground, I am grateful to myself for doing so.
Like many people, the last few weeks have been a mixed bag of emotions for me. My mind has traveled through both the land of optimism and despair. I have watched my fair share of Netflix and read plenty of headlines. I have been a light of optimism and at times, brought those around me down.
It seems like I am a deer caught in headlights and I am just not sure which way to run. As I look around and read the stories, there are plenty of people that have it far worse than me. In fact, I would say that I have it pretty darn good. I have a career, a roof over my head, food in the cupboards, and a family that loves me. So then, why is it that I feel so depressed? And why do I feel so guilty for feeling this way?
Since I don’t have the answer to that question, I’m just going to say that whatever it is that you or I am feeling, those feelings are real, and trying to suppress them will only make our negative feelings grow stronger.
Maybe the real reason for waking up and writing each day is so that I have an outlet to express how I feel inside. Even if no-one else reads what I write and the words make no sense, writing it out, seeing it on my screen, and admitting how I am feeling, has actually already made me feel better.
As is most often the case, we already know what we need to do to move forward but we are just not doing it. For me, I’m ready to begin trusting that little voice inside my head again by waking up early and following a set daily routine that includes writing, even if what I write has no purpose.
How about you?
Have a great day!
Last night I laid my head on my pillow and I could feel the weight of my body as it sank into the thick memory foam, padded mattress. As I laid there I could feel my heart beat. It was a strong pulse, then it jumped a few times then back to its regular pace. A few weeks back I visited the doctor to have the old ticker checked out. After a thorough Echo-cardiogram, he deemed me good to go and noted the occasional irregular beat. Though it only happens now and then, he told me that it is time that I lose about 60 pounds and start eating a balanced healthy diet.
None of what he said was new information to me. I wanted his words to be a wake up call. I wanted to put all my excuses to rest and once and for all, take control of my health. And you know what??? That is exactly what I did for about 96 hours. Then my old friend and life long partner, emotional eating, showed back up to comfort me in ways only he understands. Ice cream, pizza, cheese burgers, fries and of course cookies, chicken strips and all the finest sugary sauces you can find to go with them.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day and because my mom claims that she hasn’t taken a picture with my sister and I for many years, we were subjected to the obligatory photo in front of the fireplace. Unfortunately for me, my Dad decided it would be a good idea to take the photo from the other side of the room, thus exposing the extra 60 pounds, which I so desperately attempt to cover up in photos. Later that night, my Mom posted the photo and I was horrified by what I saw!
Now please don’t tell me that I am being too hard on myself, I appreciate it when people say nice things to me, but right now what I need is to face the truth. And right now the truth is that it’s time I make new choices or suffer the consequences.
The sad part is, I know I am not alone in my struggle. I know that some of you reading this have the same concern or at least know someone who does. So, it is with that in mind that I have decided to put together a FREE coaching / support group dedicated to help those that are at the end of their rope and ready to fight to get their optimal health back. Though I am not of all the details, I do know that I always show up better for others than I do for myself. So while I may be offer you this program for free, it really is you, that will be helping me.
If you or someone you know are interested in becoming part of this program (details of which I will be releasing later this week) PM me and let me know that you want in! The only requirement is that no matter where you are in your health journey, you simply want to improve and are willing to show up, be involved and take action.
Though I don’t have all the details yet, I can tell you this. The program that I put together will be a safe space full of love, support, truth, and vulnerability lead by someone who is going to be 100% authentic with you.
Take care, I hope you join me.
Today marks my parents 54th wedding anniversary. 54 years, together, with one person? What????? Wait, that’s not even correct. The truth is, as the story goes, my mom saw my dad for the first time when she was 13. She claims that she knew from the very first time she saw him that she was going to marry him. So if you do the math, that means she has been in love with one person 61 years. Seriously, I just don’t understand. 61 years!
According to a story that I found on ABC news, only 6 out of every 100 marriages will last over 50 years. While I can’t speak from experience, since I have dated more girls than the years they have been married, I can speak about their marriage from my perspective.
What does it take to be married 54 years? Let’s start out with the most obvious answer. Love. To stay together this long you must fall in love with not only the person’s looks, personality, hobbies, dreams, goals and desires but you must also fall in love with all their flaws. Such as too many hours in the garage or basement, the non stop smell of coffee in the house, hair in undesired places, fumes that resonate from places I’d rather not mention, honey do lists, stubbornness, hours and hours upon hours of “Gun Smoke” reruns, a plethora of “s.o.b. bombs”, a bit of nagging, neediness and a pinch of codependency.
You must also love the other person so much that you put their needs before your own. Doing so includes such things as spending countless hours of cutting boards, driving nails and laying brick after brick to provide the woman you love with the home of her dreams. And just when you thought you were finally done and could relax, having her inform you that she would now like a new color wall, carpet, a screened in porch to replace the open aired deck that you spent half the summer building, a new deck for the pool, a mantel above the fireplace, a garden with a waterfall and a red convertible and a grandfather’s clock. On the other hand it may also means picking up dirty laundry, being stuck by whiskers each time you kiss, sleeping through snoring that could wake the dead, learning to enjoy “Gun Smoke” (again), halter tops, Harleys, the dust from an ATV and many sleepless nights praying that your man will return home from the sheriff’s department in one piece. Putting the other person’s needs before your own also means that you willingly sleep in a chair or on a couch so that you can spend every day together at the hospital in a time of need.
A lasting marriage takes patience as well as learning when to bite your tongue, speak the truth, swallow your pride, apologize, forgive and move on.
Though this list could go on and on, I think the key to staying together 54 years has to be tenacity. Though I don’t know how many times my parents wanted to give up, I do know that they didn’t. Being there, I know that things weren’t always easy but regardless of how bad things got, they decided to stay the course. Part of tenacity is reminding yourself and each other why you fell in love in the first place. Sometimes this means long talks, short walks, a motorcycle ride or a trip to California. Whatever it is, the key is that you find a way to reignite the spark, even when you believe the fire has completely burned out.
Though I will never know what it’s like to be married to someone for over 50 years, I am extremely grateful that both of you do. Words cannot express how much you mean to me. There has never been a time, not even once, where I didn’t feel supported or loved by you both. There has never been one time that I couldn’t call you in a time of need where you wouldn’t have dropped everything to be by my side (although I know better than to try and sleep on your new sofa, Mom). Through all the years, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, you both said, “I do” and meant it. In a world where marriages fail more often than they succeed, thank you for honoring your commitment. May there be many more anniversaries in your future. Happy anniversary!
I love you
One thing that I have been questioning lately is the depth of my faith. To understand where I am coming from, it is first important to understand exactly what it means to have faith. Faith is the belief in the unknown. It is to have complete trust or confidence in someone or something. I think it is easy to say that we have faith but proving it through our actions is where we will find the truth, in regards to the depth of our faithfulness.
How often is it that you pray for someone or something to present itself to you as a solution to your problem(s), then even after you recognize it or them as such, you begin to question whether it was truly the answer you were searching for in the first place. One of my all time favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein, he stated that “coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous”. Since it is rumored that Einstein was a fairly intelligent man, I am going to consider his wisdom as truth. Having faith is believing and understanding that there truly are no coincidences. Everything, both big and small, happens for a reason. Unfortunately, since most of us humans are meaning making machines, we can’t just accept our good fortune and take action towards the solution that “coincidentally” presented itself. No, because we are beings of “supreme intelligence”, we have to know why!
Imagine, if you will, a starving ape walking through the jungle who coincidentally stumbles across a bunch of bananas. Would our big hairy friend (most likely a distant relative of mine ) sit down next to the bananas and before quenching his hunger, try to understand why these bananas fell on the ground in the first place? Or better yet, could you see him leave the bananas behind as he continued down the path in search of his much needed next meal because he just wasn’t sure that those bananas were the right ones to solve his hunger problem? Of course not! That giant fella would devourer every banana on the vine until he was fully satiated.
However, if we were the recipients of the same good fortune, we would go into “survival” mode and question every last detail about those delicious, yellow bananas. God provided us with a “survival mode” to protect us from danger. If used correctly, it is an incredible tool. The problem is that for many of us, including me at times, we don’t know when to turn the survival mode switch off. What often happens is that even when we know the bananas are safe or the risks are limited, we continued to do what I call “disasterbate” and focus our attention on all the possible negative outcomes associated with the bananas. Often times, the longer we “disasterbate” the more outrageously scary and outlandish the outcome of eating the bananas becomes. When we do this, we create so much fear and anxiety that we end up leaving our bunch of bananas behind for reasons like they weren’t ripe enough, organic enough or that they the may give you gas. Whatever your justification, the result is the same, you go hungry.
The crazy part about “disasterbating” is that you are so focused on all the potential problems and risks associated with your bananas, that you forget to consider and be grateful for the wonderful gift that God “coincidentally” provided to you. When we do this, it is most often out of fear. Fear, the complete opposite of faith.
So, the next time you find yourself living in fear or full of anxiety, stop and ask yourself…”Do I have faith?” If the answer is yes, proceed, enjoy and be grateful for your gifts. If your answer leaves you in doubt, instead of asking yourself, “what’s the worst that could happen?” (a survival mode question that most of us have been raised asking) ask “what’s the BEST that could happen?”, then take the appropriate action.
Have a great day!
Day 31. Writing about and intentionally “living” Proverbs over the last two months has been quite an eye opening experience that has helped me in so many ways. When I first started this process, I was extremely apprehensive. I had no idea what I was going or write about or even how to begin. All I knew was that I had to do it. Some days the words flowed effortlessly, other days the struggle was real. Some days caused me to take a deep look inside myself and some days it was all I could do just to look outside the covers of my comfy bed. Although there have been many lessons, none have had more impact on me than the importance of setting an intention then committing to follow it through.
There are so many times in our lives, at least in mine, where we have an idea or get a “gut” feeling to do or say something but we don’t. Maybe we get scared, feel like it’s none of our business or just simply tell ourselves that we will do it tomorrow. For whatever reason, when we don’t take action, the results are the same, we rob ourselves of the gifts along the way.
Attempting to read, decipher and act according to Proverbs, turned out to be an extremely difficult task. The teachings in Proverbs aren’t always clear, you truly have to search for understanding. Then, even when you think you “get it”, you read something else, written by an expert, that makes it pretty clear that you truly have no clue. Though, quite often I felt lost, reading Proverbs daily helped me to clarify who I am, who I was and who I want to be. Through the process I learned that I LOVE waking up at 4:30 (except for the few days after we “spring forward” with daylight savings or that I stay up too late while destroying my son’s confidence with a beat down of NHL 2017 on xBox).Waking up at 4:30 provides me with a tranquility that I find impossible to achieve in the middle of a busy day. I found it to be a great time to “connect” both mentally and spiritually. I found that by starting my day at 4:30, I get more done. I remember eating lunch one day at 12:30 and realizing that I had already put in a full 8 hours of work. It is still so shocking and different than what I was used to, that I literally just counted out the hours on my fingers to make sure that I am doing the math right! I learned that when I wake a up with a set intention, like writing, nothing gets in the way of me completing my task. In addition, when the task is finished, many times before most people even wake up, I feel accomplished. Those feelings of accomplishment then spill over throughout the remainder of my day, providing me with positive energy and a self confidence that I can do what I say I am going to do.
Through this process I also learned that if you want to do something, you should just do it and not worry about what anyone else thinks. Because as Dr. Seuss once said, “those that mind don’t matter and those that matter, don’t mind”. The problem with living your life worried about what other people think is that at the end of the day, the only person who will die with your regrets is you.
With this in mind, I’ve decided to take a break from blogging about Proverbs. Though I will continue to read, do my best to understand and “live” the wisdom daily, I believe that God used Proverbs as a springboard to help me complete a project that has been on my heart for a long time.
I don’t think that it is coincidence that the lessons I learned over the last 60 days through writing about Proverbs, were exactly the things that I needed to learn in order to see my project through to its fruition.
Proverbs 31 are the sayings of King Lemuel. These sayings come directly from his mother. As I read through the verses, I couldn’t help but reflect upon all the amazing women that have been a part of my life. From my mother, one of kindest, most selfless and unconditionally loving people I know, to the powerhouse women business partners in my life, I have been surrounded by incredible women role models.
To all of you, especially you Mom, I am extremely grateful.
Proverbs 31:25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
Have a great day!
PS- Should you worry that you won’t be hearing from me (LOL), rest your worried little head because nothing could be further from the truth 😉
I have read through Proverbs 30 numerous times this morning. After much research and inward reflection, I think that Proverbs 30:3 best sums up how I feel about my journey through consciously attempting to “live” and write about Proverbs over the last two months. Here’s the verse: Proverbs 30:3 “I have not learned wisdom, nor have I attained to the knowledge of the Holy One.” What I mean by this is that although the process of the last two months has been extremely impactful for me, in many ways, I still have a long way to go on the path to understanding.
To be clear, I’m not saying this to beat my self up or to belittle my efforts. However the reality is that no matter how much we read or how hard we try to understand, we will never attain all the knowledge that God has provided us. In addition, remember that wisdom is knowledge in action. So unless you take a piece of knowledge, whether from the Bible or one of numerous other great books, and apply that knowledge each and every time, you haven’t learned wisdom either because it is through the application of the knowledge that we become “wise”.
This verse reminded me, that no matter how hard we try, we are not going to be perfect. Have you ever made a mistake then mumbled to yourself, “I knew better than that”? Sure you have. I do it all the time and it’s okay. Sometimes we will find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over again. It is in these moments that you will have the chance to put your knowledge to the test. If you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up for too long, just recognize your error and do better the next time.
As a personal coach, the one thing that really blows my mind is that rarely does one of my clients not already know the answer to the question(s) that they seek. In fact, one of the first things that I share with a potential client is that they most likely already know what they should be doing but they just aren’t doing it. And you know what, after a little reflection, most of them agree.
Stop for a moment and ask yourself this simple question. “What are three things that I know I should be doing, that I’m not?” Don’t try to hard to come up with your answers, keep it simple.
Hopefully you took to the time to complete this simple exercise. If you did, the answers might surprise you. Or should I say, the simplicity of your answers might surprise you. Quite often I hear things like, quit my job, end a relationship, go back to school, eat better, stop _________, work out, stop overextending myself, take more time for myself…etc. etc. And although the answers may be obvious, for most people, following through by taking action towards what you know you should be doing, is the difficult part.
If you took the time to complete the exercise above and are ready to stop thinking about it and start taking action, I’d like to help by offering you a complimentary coaching session. Since most people have no idea what a personal coach even does, it is likely that you’ve never experienced a coaching session for yourself. Even if you have, more than likely you’ve never worked with me.
If you want to take me up on my offer, simply click the link below and schedule your session now. Don’t put it off, take action and do it right away. Together we can begin to transform your knowledge, into wisdom.
Have a great day!
PS- Even if you have worked with me in the past, feel free to take me up on this offer. It’s my way of saying “thank you” for reading my blog.
Stress, not only is it bad for your health, extreme stress can change how you think, feel and act. Unfortunately for me, I know this all too well. Years ago I owned a small sound and light production company. After I would spend 60+ hours a week in my high stress, 100% commission, role as an account executive in the industry of mortgage banking, I spent my weekends working with local bands. While this was supposed to be the fun, for the most part I allowed it to fill me with the very thing I was trying to escape, stress.
I’ll never forget the first time I walked into Rumors Nightclub at the Brookfield, Marriott. I had recently turned 21 and decided to join a couple friends for a night of live music. Though I can’t remember much about that night, like who I was with or why we decided to go there in the first place, I do remember the band. Their name was This is This, a local cover band. They were a young, talented, fun, high energy rock band that covered a fairly eclectic range of music from the Chili Pepper’s, “suck my kiss”, to Toto’s “Africa”. The thing about This is This, is that they didn’t just play the songs, they WERE the songs. I was in awe. I loved them, their vibe and the atmosphere they created. I enjoyed it so much that from that night on, I became obsessed with live music. I grew my hair out, bought a bass guitar and began fostering my own inner “rock star”.
Because Milwaukee was fairly small, I quickly discovered that the live music scene was alive and well. Each weekend I would travel the local circuit discovering new bands and clubs. Mirage, Rhythm Method, and This is This, quickly became my favorites. Not only were the bands incredible, so were the girls that followed them. It was a single, young man’s dream. I loved it so much that I am certain the bands felt as though I was a stalker, I wasn’t, I was just obsessed!
Over the years my obsession quickly grew and before long I started a band of my own. Though we were no were near as good, it was still a blast. My parents, God bless them, allowed us to take over their basement. We went big! A full PA system, drums, keyboards, guitar rigs and of course the most essential ingredient, a massive bass guitar rig. Unfortunately for my parents, we practiced often. To this day I don’t know how they handled the noise or the shaking of the house. While we shredded down stairs, they sat directly above us and attempted to watch Hill Street Blues. I can’t imagine that they ever heard a word. The crazy part is that no matter how long we rocked out, they never complained, not once. Honestly, I’m not sure how they did it, but I am very grateful they did, it was so much fun.
Those early days, were magical. I can remember how fun it was to play “Plush” by The Stone Temple Pilots. I’m pretty sure that it was the first song I learned on my new, bright green bass. I was a long hair flowing, work boots wearing, rock star want a be caught between prep and grunge. There was no stress, only fun. Unfortunately, that didn’t last for long. Not long after we had just played our first gig, the drama associated with being in a band, started to unfold. My best friend, our drummer, had an opportunity to join a more established and quit honestly, much more talented band. Our singer moved away and just like that, my fantasies came to a screeching halt. Not to be discouraged, I called several friends and before you knew it, one thing lead to another and we were back to the grind, running down our dream.
Why I couldn’t just enjoy it and have fun, I’ll never know. Being in a band seemed to be a constant clash of egos, personalities, schedules and ideas. It was an on going search for places to play and gear to buy. Nothing was ever good enough. I became so addicted to the idea of replicating the bands I admired, that I stopped having fun.I even stopped listening to music! While my rock star fantasies would continued for many years, it would never again be as pure or as fun as playing “Plush”, for the first time, in my parent’s basement.
Though it wasn’t always fun, it did change my life. It was through playing a couple songs one night in Whitewater, WI with my friend Craig’s band, Live Bait, that I met my now ex wife and mother of my child. As fate would have it, not only was she out of my league in every way, she was also a very talented singer. Before you knew it, we were in a band together, married and living the dream.
Behind the scenes, bands aren’t always a good time. There is a lot of stress that comes with managing all the moving parts. You have to juggle schedules, handle personalities, replace members, buy equipment, fix equipment, find places to play that are willing to pay you enough to make all the band members happy, market so that the places that are playing you also make money, make posters, deliver posters, create mailing lists, choose songs, buy clothes and oh yeah, after that, when you have time, practice.
When you’re in a band it seems like you are always looking over your shoulder trying to stay ahead of the new band that is trying to “take your gig”. Though it shouldn’t be, it is a very competitive industry. At least that’s how I saw it.
After many years, bars, festivals, musicians, bands and songs, it was finally time to hang up my bass for good. As one of the leaders of the band, I was simply tired of trying to keep everyone happy and all the parts in motion. It was at this point that I decided to “reduce” my stress, leave playing behind and move to the other side, production.
Interestingly, I repeated the exact same pattern. What started off as one of the most fun, fulfilling and rewarding things I had ever done, turned into, “If I ever hear “Jessie’s Girl” again, I am going to stick a knife in my eye!
Dealing with bands, the club or festival’s schedule for load in and load out, gear maintenance, booking, personalities, deadlines, opinions, a failing marriage, and time away from my son, became too much for me to take and I quit. Cold turkey. To this day, may years later, I haven’t looked back. Although there have been opportunities, the scars and stress of those days run too deep.
Today’s verse is Proverbs 29:11 “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end”. What I learned about myself, over the many years I spent chasing down my rock and roll fantasies, was that I am no good under stress. When I am stressed or feel overwhelmed, my alter ego comes out and that guy is a dumb, overly perfectionistic,opinionated,scary, big mean bully. The crazy part is that when I allow him out of the box, I know the damage he is going to create, yet I struggle to put him away. It’s like watching a car accident from the distance. You know it’s going to happen but you’re helpless to stop it. Though some people have the ability to calmly manage difficult situations, I’m a work in progress.
If you are anything like me and stress turns you into somebody that even you don’t like, I invite you to join me in the wisdom of this verse. Next time you feel as though you’re ready to explode, stop, breathe, step outside of yourself and seek the perspective of the other people involved. Instead of reacting to the situation (like a nuclear explosion) calmly and maturely, respond or walk away until “cooler heads prevail”.
Lastly, I just want to add that when you love something, like I did live music, sometimes that’s enough. Try to resist the temptation to make it bigger than it has to be. And if you want to push yourself and go for that dream, do yourself a favor and enjoy the ride.
Thanks for taking this journey with me down memory lane and thanks for accepting me as I am with all my flaws exposed.
Have a great day!
PS- If you are a musician in the Menomonee Falls area, give me a call, I may be open to a few bars of “Plush”.